How to Stay Positive in Difficult Times

Our emotional tone or mood is defined by the number of positive versus negative moments experienced during the course of a day. That has major implications for how we can improve the quality of our lives and our relationships, especially as we all cope with this global pandemic.?

Difficulty staying positive has been a common theme in my coaching conversations over the last few weeks. If you are feeling stressed, distracted, or just a little bit hopeless, you are not alone. Here’s why.

According to the Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, each day we experience approximately 20,000 moments. A moment is defined as a few seconds in which our brain records an experience. The quality of our days is determined by how our brains recognize and categorize our moments ? either as positive, negative or just neutral. Rarely do we remember neutral moments.?

There is no question that the memories of our lives are recorded in terms of positive or negative experiences. Scientists propose that each day, our brains ? our thoughts and our emotions ? keep track of our positive and negative moments and the resulting score contributes to our overall mood.

If you?ve been feeling wildly (or even mildly) out-of-sorts these days, it?s no wonder! Just think about the sheer volume of distressing information we are consuming every few hours. Here are some strategies that will help.

There is a Magic Ratio of Positive to Negative?

Over the past decade, scientists have explored the impact of positive-to-negative interaction ratios in our work and personal life. And they?ve found that this ratio can be used to predict ?with remarkable accuracy ? everything from workplace performance to divorce.??

This work began with noted psychologist John Gottman’s exploration of positive-to-negative ratios in marriages. Using a 5:1 ratio, which Gottman dubbed “the magic ratio,” he and his colleagues predicted whether 700 newlywed couples would stay together or divorce by scoring their positive and negative interactions in one 15-minute conversation between each husband and wife. Ten years later, the follow-up revealed that they had predicted divorce with 94% accuracy.?

Apparently, there is a similar magic ratio for measuring worker satisfaction. The Gallup Organization has surveyed some 4 million workers on the topics of recognition and praise, and they delivered startling results.

Along with the 65% of people who reported receiving no recognition on the job last year, an estimated 22 million workers are currently “actively disengaged,” or extremely negative in their workplace. And that was before this big crisis hit.

The number one reason that Americans leave their jobs is that they don?t feel appreciated. There are not enough positive moments to offset the negative ones.?

A recent study found that workgroups with positive-to-negative interaction ratios greater than 3:1 are significantly more productive than teams that do not reach this ratio.?

That’s why it is so important and valuable for communities to actively show their appreciation to all of the essential workers who have been stepping up around the clock throughout this health crisis.? When they make an effort to express their appreciation, they are increasing the positive-to-negative ratio for everyone who is working tirelessly on their behalf!

The Bucket and the Dipper?

In his book?How Full is Your Bucket, psychologists Donald O. Clifton and Tom?Rath?propose a metaphor of looking at positive and negative interactions during the day. Imagine we all have a bucket within us that needs to be filled with positive experiences, such as recognition or praise.??

When we’re negative toward others, we use a dipper to remove from their buckets and diminish their positive outlook. When we treat others in a positive manner, we fill not only their buckets but ours as well.?

Here are 5 strategies from these authors for increasing your magic ratio of positive to negative moments in any given day:?

• Prevent “Bucket Dipping.”?Increase your own awareness of how often your comments are negative. How much bad news are you sharing every day? Do you also share the good stuff? Work toward a ratio of five positives to every one negative.?
• Shine a light on what?s right.?Try focusing on what people do right rather than exclusively on what they do that isn’t matching up with your viewpoint or expectations. Discover the power of noticing good behaviors. When coping with this current health crisis, notice that there a lot of people who are following the guidelines, finding innovative solutions, and demonstrating compassion. Be sure to acknowledge what is going right in the world right now. It will add to your magic ratio!
• Make best friends (virtually of course). People with best friends at work have better safety records, receive higher customer satisfaction scores, and increase workplace productivity. Imagine what that could mean in our current climate, where many of us are self-distancing and self-isolating. Are you keeping in touch with friends? Are you contributing positively to your friendships despite the challenges?
• Give unexpectedly.?A recent poll showed that the vast majority of people prefer gifts that are unexpected. What can you do to show your appreciation and share your ‘gifts’ at this time?
• Reverse the Golden Rule.?Instead of “Do unto others as?you would have them do unto you,” you should “Do unto others as?they would have you do unto them.” When you are filling others’ buckets, make sure you are focusing on what they need, not what you need.

Now, more than ever, we need to make every effort we can to increase the magic ratio at home, online and out in the world. What can you do to fill buckets (yours and theirs)?

If you find yourself with a little extra time on your hands these days, now might be a wonderful time to read How Full is Your Bucket. There is also a lovely kids version too.

Be calm, be safe, and stop that ‘bucket-dipping’ for heaven’s sake!

And if you’re looking for some excellent tools to help you fill your bucket, you might like these.